Amazon. They direct, produce and/or publish every single movie made since the beginning of cinematography. By sifting through your recent movie-viewing habits, Amazon are able to suggest the exact movie that will interest you the most, which you can then order with their one-click ticket purchase patented interface. They will then send you daily e-mails about that movie and other similar ones for the rest of your life.
American Airlines. The trailers hinted at a light-hearted romantic comedy, but the movie ends up being a three-hour claustrophobic thriller. The food served in the movie theater is horrible, and every patron ends up paying a different price for their ticket, plus a carry-on luggage fee. The lines at the theater are longer than for other movies, but that is mostly because you need a full-body scan because you can be allowed in.
Apple. This year’s iMovie was found in a New York bar after what appears to be two years of top secret development. Evangelists announce that it will change the way people watch movies, and that it will be available soon in a single movie theater chain to be identified at a later date. The DVD will of course only be compatible with genuine Apple products. The word on the street is that you cannot watch the movie if you rest your head on your left palm, but Steve Jobs said that’s the case for all other movies and you will get a free movie-watching glove to compensate for it.
British Petroleum. A profitable studio for years because you just had to see their movies despite their sky-high price, despite protests from hippies and tree lovers. Recently moved from their middle eastern movie sets back to the southern United States, but managed to annoy the locals in a badly thought through PR stunt. Now, they spend more money on appeasing the inhabitants than they spend on actual movies.
Dell. Not available in any movie theater. Instead, you can build your movie online by choosing cast members, plot elements and special effects from a list, and it gets delivered to you on DVD within a few days. The Angelina Jolie component (at +$9999) has been recently announced and widely acclaimed as a smart move.
Facebook. It’s like that anti-war rally scene from Forrest Gump, except you can tag all your friends right there in the movie. The studio managers pride themselves about being the fastest growing movie studio around and sweep under the rug any concerns about scenes from private amateur videos being made available to the general public. They’re currently considering a movie about themselves.
Google. They don’t make movies. Instead, they build super-computers that run super-algorithms that create the movie you want by spying on your browsing habits. SEO (SEenOntelevision) consultants now try to trick the super-algorithms into including product placement in the movies Google creates. The studio recently introduced a new way of watching movies: based on your reactions as you watch the movie, the plot changes to fit your mood.
NASA. Ever since their hour of glory with their 1969 best-seller, they have been doing silly re-hashes such as «Dude, Where’s My Shuttle?», «Dude, Where’s My Venus Probe?» and «Dude, Where’s My Mars Rover?» that absolutely no one wants to watch anymore, despite every single one having a budget that puts James Cameron to shame. Recently, people have started making fun of their 1969 movie sets and how fake they look.
Nintendo. This japanese studio tries to revolutionize the way people watch anime by introducing interactive features in the viewing experience: the WiiSee comes with a popcorn-shaped controller you can use to simulate eating popcorn, and a straw-shaped controller you can use to simulate drinking beverages.
People’s Republic of China. They seem to only make movies about how great they are and how happy the actors happen to be. Cast members are forbidden from viewing movies from other studios, to keep their minds pure and honest. Their movies somehow net more profits in a single week-end than any other movie in a week, and they never get a single negative review—except that one time, but the reviewer said he was mistaken and then commited «suicide»
Twitter. A micro-filming studio, produces movies shorter than 140 seconds that somehow everyone feels obliged to share and reply to.
Wikipedia. A huge studio made up mostly from volunteers, they only publish documentaries about silly esoteric things such as rotoscopes or lycaenidae. They are known for the huge amount of editors on every single movie, and the insane bickering between them.
Have any other suggestions? Let me hear them!





Hi. I'm Victor Nicollet,
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